“It wasn’t meant to be”
Although I never met you, I knew you for three days,
I dreamt of all the things we’d do, How you’d have your own little ways,
I got far too excited, Maybe some would say foolishly,
But thinking one day we’d be united, We’d be a family, finally.
It was decided however, Not by me or by your Mum,
That this was not to be, Your day would never come.
Your existence came as a surprise, Your departure the very same,
You’ll always be part of our lives, Oh…and Jamie was your name.
There is no grave, There is no burial, There is no funeral, There is no sympathy,
No one sees the hidden pain, the anguish and heartbreak you had to endure,
To birth on a toilet, searing pain through the womb, the contractions, the pushing, even though it was a tiny life, it was still birthed but nothing to show for it after the pain of childbirth, no child only the empty aching of the womb.
I don’t know what your name is
I don’t know the colour of your hair
I don’t know if you were a boy or a girl
I don’t know if you would have been tall (probably),
funny, serious, curious, active, imaginative, a thinker or a doer,
like your daddy or your mum
I don’t know.
I don’t believe in angels or god or heaven or jesus
I don’t believe you are ‘With Him’ or Her or mother earth or
those who have gone before you.
I’d like to believe Nana is looking after you.
That would be a nice thing to believe. But I don’t.
I don’t believe it was meant to be
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason
I don’t believe.
I don’t want to hear its very common
I don’t want to hear it will all happen in its own time.
I don’t want to hear.
What do I know?
I know that you were our little peanut for almost 8 weeks
I know that you made us smile, feel excited, make plans,
think of when we made you and imagine when you would be here.
You made October seem very exciting and alive.
You made us feel tender and together and like we were grown ups.
You were you for a little while. Short but very sweet.
Our little peanut.
That’s what I know.
We grew up.
Life lost some of its shine.
I want you to know that there was and is and always will be a place for you,
little peanut. I don’t know where that place is but I know its there.
Snow falling, coal fire burning
Carol singers singing, and hearts yearning…
For the special time of year,
When families reunite,
Sharing untold stories,
Making everything feel right.
I sit alone and reflect
On that Christmas years ago
When our time was not so happy
And we had to face letting go
I remember my mother crying,
And me not knowing what was wrong,
Feeling there was no Christmas spirit,
No happiness, no song,
Wanting to comfort her,
And not knowing why,
Because I was a young child
I never thought he’d die
It didn’t make any sense to me
Because that bump was still there,
And I knew he was inside it
But it was soon to be bare…