Your Emotions

Miscarriage can be an unhappy, frightening and lonely experience for you and your partner and you will probably experience ups and downs. Some people adjust quickly, others take a long time. You will find the number of ‘good’ days slowly increases but a memory or an anniversary can bring it all back to you. Some women cry a lot, which may release some of the pain and tension, while some find it hard to talk about their feelings. You and your partner may both have different ways of coping so be understanding and make sure you have plenty of time together.

If you want to talk to someone who has been through miscarriage and will listen to you, contact The Miscarriage Association, or talk to your GP, midwife or health visitor about your feelings.

Feelings you may have

  • Anger – Why me? Other women succeed effortlessly to have successful pregnancies, what has happened to you seems completely unfair.
  • Disappointment, your hopes and excitement are crushed.
  • There is often a reaction of pity from outsiders which you may dislike.
  • Guilt, did I neglect nutrition or rest? Was I too anxious? Was the pregnancy unplanned? Many women experience guilt, continuing to look back for months after they have miscarried, looking for some probable cause in their own behaviour just prior to the miscarriage. Some blame medical staff, feeling they could have done more. In general, there is no cause and it is nothing you have or have not done.
  • Physical fear is part of every woman’s experience – what’s going to happen to my body during a D&C for example. Will the miscarriage affect the chances of falling pregnant in the future? All of your questions about how a miscarriage may physically affect you are real and do ask your doctor or your GP for advice if it will provide you with reassurance.
  • You may feel your loss in physical way – this can include feeling tired, having headaches, stomach pain, shortness of breath, finding it difficult to sleep or sleeping a lot. These problems should go away over time but talk to your GP if you are worried.
  • Feeling sad or depressed for weeks or even months after a miscarriage seems to be the norm. When we miscarry, our body’s hormonal balance changes as abruptly as it does after childbirth. Hence, we experience a rollercoaster of emotions such as loneliness, emptiness and isolation.  It is important to distinguish between feeling low due to the loss of your baby and feeling continuously depressed.  If the latter, do consider talking to your GP for further help and advice.
  • There comes a time when there may be a sense of relief that you have come to terms with your loss. You may feel some guilt at starting to feel happy again. Don’t be surprised if, after a period of relief, you find yourself once again depressed, angry or sad. If you fall pregnant again you will feel joy but may at the same time feel anxious that something will go wrong again
  • There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time-frame after which you accept the loss of your baby, if ever. All of us are different. Take each day and the emotions you may feel as they come. Please do contact The Miscarriage Association of Ireland for support.

“I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief”

Your Baby

You may want to know the sex of your baby. Depending on the period of gestation this may be possible with the availability of diagnostic tests.  If you have miscarried and you have the remains of the baby – the hospital will be able to advise you as to what tests can be done, if any. If you have a query, talk to your midwife or ring the hospital emergency department for advice.

Your Friends

Many people find one of the hardest things after a miscarriage is meeting people again. You may find you can talk easily to some friends and that they understand or share your feelings. Others may seem not to care and even avoid you – it may be because they are uncomfortable and frightened to ask how you feel or say how sorry they are in case they upset you more.

Your Family

If you have other children they may be bewildered at what is happening. If they knew you were pregnant, explain simply what has happened to your baby. Children can get frightened when their parents are distressed and unhappy so it is important to give them time and attention and stick to familiar routines. Your parents may also be very upset for you and will feel the loss of their grandchild too. It can help to talk to them about your grief and support each other.