Emotions you go through

  • Anger – Why me? Other women succeed effortlessly to have babies, what happens to you seems completely unfair.
  • Disappointment, your hopes and excitement are crushed.
  • There is often a reaction of pity from outsiders, which you may dislike.
  • Guilt, had I neglected nutrition or rest ? Had I been too anxious ? etc.
  • The difference between a woman who has had one miscarriage, to those who have had more, is the timing and intensity. Physical fear is part of every woman's experience.
  • Feeling sad or depressed for weeks or even months after a miscarriage seems to be the norm. Many women say they were unable to get over their feelings of sadness until they were pregnant again. When we miscarry, our body hormonal balance changes as abruptly as they do after childbirth. Hence we are subject to as much chemically induced emotional disorder with none of the usual rewards. There is no baby, no happy visitors showering us with gifts and attention, no approval, no fun.
  • Many women experience guilt and become detectives, continuing to look back for months after they have miscarried, looking for some probable cause in their own behaviour, just prior to the miscarriage. Some blame the doctors, feeling they could have done more.
  • Many women after discussing their miscarriage with outsiders, made themselves feel guiltier.
  • There comes a sense of relief period, that you have come out of it alive and that you can try again. But don't be surprised if after a period of relief you find yourself once again depressed, angry or sad.
  • For some, the period of adjustment goes on for many years, whilst for others it is much shorter. There is no right or wrong interval, after which you adjust to your emotional feelings. All of us are different. About the best you can do is to be open to your needs and the needs of those close to you. If you need outside help, seek it openly.

Your Partner’s Emotions

  • The events in the hospital are very difficult for men too. They often feel powerless and frustrated at a time when they want very much to help their loved ones.
  • Men should accept that it is normal to feel many intense emotions after the miscarriage, including disbelief, sadness, anger, frustration and guilt, even if sometimes they think these aren't 'manly' acceptable feeling to have.
  • Adjusting to the loss takes time. It is acceptable for men to feel the emotional effects of the miscarriage for weeks and often months afterwards. There is a common series of events that people go through in the grieving process, this does not often happen quickly.
  • Men sometimes can blame their partner for the miscarriage (and vice-versa). This has no basis in scientific fact and is likely to be very dangerous for the relationship.
  • Guilt feelings may arrive after the miscarriage, especially about sexual relations during pregnancy. There is no scientific evidence that links sexual intercourse or any kind of love making with miscarriage.
  • Differences in the way that men and women express their emotions may cause tensions in the relationship. It is important for men to be open about their feelings, so that their partner understands they too have suffered a loss.
  • If you find that you are fighting about many things with your partner, it is time to seek professional counselling. Avoid allowing the issue of the miscarriage to become the focus for all your problems in your relationship.
  • Most women seem to want to talk to their men about what has happened. They want to share their sadness aloud, and to be reassured of their partners love. They want to relieve their guilt feelings and talk about the future of their relationship. Men want this too, but find it difficult to initiate the talk.

© Extracts Taken from the book "Coping with a Miscarriage" by Hank Pizer & Christine O’Brein Palinsk