Emotions you go through

  • Anger – Why me? Other women succeed effortlessly to have babies, what happens to you seems completely unfair.
  • Disappointment, your hopes and excitement are crushed.
  • There is often a reaction of pity from outsiders, which you may dislike.
  • Guilt, had I neglected nutrition or rest ? Had I been too anxious ? etc.
  • Physical fear is part of every woman's experience.
  • Feeling sad or depressed for weeks or even months after a miscarriage seems to be the norm. Many women say they were unable to get over their feelings of sadness until they were pregnant again. When we miscarry, our body hormonal balance changes as abruptly as it does after childbirth. Hence we are subject to a rollercoaster of emotions with none of the usual rewards. There is no baby, no happy visitors showering us with gifts and attention, no approval, no fun.
  • Many women experience guilt, continuing to look back for months after they have miscarried, looking for some probable cause in their own behaviour, just prior to the miscarriage. Some blame medical staff, feeling they could have done more. In general, there is no cause and it is nothing you have or have not done.
  • There comes a time when there is a sense of relief, that you have come out of the experience alive and that you can try to become pregnant again. But don't be surprised if after a period of relief you find yourself once again depressed, angry or sad.
  • For some, the period of adjustment goes on for many years, whilst for others it is much shorter. There is no right or wrong interval, after which you adjust to your emotional feelings. All of us are different. About the best you can do is to be open to your needs and the needs of those close to you. If you need outside help, seek it openly.

Your Partner’s Emotions

  • The events in the hospital are very difficult for men too. They often feel powerless and frustrated at a time when they want very much to help their loved ones.
  • Men should accept that it is normal to feel many intense emotions after the miscarriage, including disbelief, sadness, anger, frustration and guilt.
  • Adjusting to the loss takes time. It is acceptable for men to feel the emotional effects of the miscarriage for weeks and often months afterwards. There is a common series of events that people go through in the grieving process, this does not often happen quickly.
  • Men sometimes can blame their partner for the miscarriage (and vice-versa). both need to accept that neither of them is to blame for the miscarriage.
  • Guilty feelings may arrive after the miscarriage, especially about sexual relations during pregnancy. There is no scientific evidence that links sexual intercourse or any kind of love making during pregnancy with miscarriage.
  • Differences in the way that men and women express their emotions may cause tensions in the relationship. It is important for men to be open about their feelings, so that their partner understands they too have suffered a loss.
  • If you find that you are arguing about many things with your partner, it may be time to seek professional counselling. Avoid allowing the issue of the miscarriage to become the focus for all your problems in your relationship.
  • Most women seem to want to talk to their men about what has happened. They want to share their sadness aloud, and to be reassured of their partners love. They want to relieve their guilt feelings and talk about the future of their relationship. Men want this too, but may find it difficult to initiate the talk.

© Extracts Taken from the book "Coping with a Miscarriage" by Hank Pizer & Christine O’Brein Palinsk